Toshiya worriedly stared at Kaoru…Kaoru looked so dizzy and sick. With large innocent
looking eyes he gazed a little dazed around the room, almost as though he recognised
nothing! A sickening feeling was washing through his body.
"Kaoru-kun!" Toshiya lightly called and it took Kaoru quite a while to turn and face the bassist.
A little unsure he answered, "Hhai?" There was just too much in his mind.
Toshiya began to feel very scared for his bandmate, his heart began to beat a little weirdly, What is wrong with Kaoru-kun, oh my…I hope he is ok! Toshiya moved closer, resting his hand lightly on Kaoru’s shoulder and with a soft voice he spoke, "What’s wrong?" his voice rang with genuine care.
Kaoru’s eyes were so blur and he uncertainly stared back to Toshiya, "I am fine, don’t need to worry about me!" he tried to sound reassuring, but he failed.
No, I am not fine, but no one can worry about me except for myself…
Toshiya stared deeply into his eyes to see why Kaoru would not tell the truth, but Kaoru looked down avoiding Toshiya’s eyes as he brushed his purple hair from his high cheekbones.
He looks so beautiful…I want to hold him…forever… Toshiya whispered to his heart…he wanted to lift Kaoru’s face up and tell him everything would ok! But he wouldn’t because he knew Kaoru would never like it, unless it was Kyo or Shinya! Sighing he began to walk away, leaving the distraught man alone.
Kyo watched from a distance…a thoughtful statement crossed his face, and for once in his life he smiled sweetly…
*
After the practice was over, Kaoru crept home; he sank down onto his futon trembling! He too did not know what was wrong, but deep in his heart he knew something was gravely wrong with him! He had an idea; and it scared him…
How can this be? Am I cursed? He trembled, huddling up to his blankets and wrapping his skinny arms around himself as silent tears fell from his eyes. The pain in his empty heart seemed to be growing with every breath…like a malignant cancer was spreading its poisonous tentacles deep in his soul. Incurable and oh so deadly, he sat up and reached for a cigarette, hoping it might cure him. The first drag had him choking and he was almost in spasms. Coughing dreadfully he stubbed the cigarette out and lay back down to try and calm down.
What’s wrong with me! He began to repeat in his mind, as bitter tears began to fall…washing away the traces of make up left on his mizerable face. Whimpering he shut his eyes to try and sleep…but all these images began to fill his mind…he couldn’t take it. Unashamedly Kaoru began to loudly cry…
*
Kaoru was the last person to arrive at the studio, he looked terrible, with his swollen
red eyes and unkempt hair…but he said nothing, remaining silent and giving no sign he
was not ok. The emptiness had grown overnight, he was scared it would overwhelm him and
take him over. He still hadn’t worked out what was causing him such unbearable pain.
But he tried his best to cover his feelings, he tried to put up a front. So he was serious
and bade them to begin then. Toshiya bit his lip, wishing he could offer Kaoru some
comfort…but he knew the stubborn leader would never except it.
In the middle of a song, Shinya suddenly stopped and began to cry, everyone was shocked and surprised expecting Kaoru to be the first to break down.
"Shin-chan, what’s the matter?" Kaoru asked, the first rushing to the drummer’s side, his voice filled with concern as he patted the drummer on his back and hugged him to his chest. Doing what Toshiya longed to do to Kaoru…Shinya leaned sobbing on Kaoru for quite some time, and then between sobs spoke, "It’s my uncle…" he paused as another wave of spasms passed, "he has…a tumour…in his lungs." Kaoru nodded, his eyes filling with tears for the drummer.
"Shhh…" he soothed the drummer…and soon he stopped crying and pulled away from Kaoru, "Arigatou" he whispered, a semi-smile present on his lips, "for helping me."
Toshiya blinked, he’s so caring for us…but he doesn’t want to burden us… he felt his heart melting for the sweetness, goodness and kindness of Kaoru! He just wished Kaoru would let them reach out a hand to hold his and support him how he supported them.
Kaoru looked down at his feet, as his own eyes felt watery, but he blinked away his tears…why should he dump his own problems on the members of Dir en grey? When he looked up again, he noticed Toshiya’s eyes worried on his face, Totchi, please don’t worry…I could never burden you… he smiled and then turned to Shinya, "Do you feel ok to practice? If not we can all go home…I don’t want to make you practice if it’s not a good time!"
Kyo winked to Die, they had remained silent in the background, watching Toshiya and where his eyes fell…namely on Kaoru! They both secretly hoped that Shinya would say he didn’t want to continue and to their relief, he said he didn’t! They grinned and gave high fives when Shinya said he didn’t want to practice.
Toshiya felt tears form in the corners of his eyes as he saw the compassion and generosity of Kaoru to his bandmates…and when he saw Kyo and Die’s behaviour he felt anger filling him up. So with a glare at them he marched over grabbing them both by their arms and dragged them away!
"Toshiya! What the hell?" They both yelled angry at Toshiya.
Shinya blinked to Kaoru, "Nevermind Shin-chan, you can go now."
Shinya nodded and stood up, he came over and pressing a frail hand on Kaoru he gently asked, "Kaoru-kun are you ok? I sensed your not that good recently." Toshiya watched silently from the door, he could just hear what Shinya said. Kaoru smiled, a brief sad smile, "It’s ok Shinya…I don’t want you to worry. It’s nothing to trouble you or anyone else. I have to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow." He smiled and then turned walking away and out the door.
Shinya shivered as Toshiya came in, "What happened to him?"
"I don’t know…but I wish he would tell us."
*
Kaoru shivered as he sat waiting in the small office, there was so many patients waiting
too. Many were so sick and coughing nonstop, it scared him and shivers ran freely down his
spine. He just wished he could get in to see the doctors instead of suffering all this
prolonged waiting. Perhaps they would know instantly, perhaps they wouldn’t…he
hoped they would.
He leaned back to try and relax…but he couldn’t and after what seemed like eternity, the door opened and a scary man in a white coat came beckoning him…
*
Kaoru paced up and down in his apartment, stupid doctors, they make me wait so many
hours and then tell me the results will be out next week! How can I survive that long?
How? After a while he lost his energy and solemnly sank onto his futon again…hoping
that somehow it could alleviate the pain in his heart.
Toshiya warily stood outside, eyeing Kyo and Die who were both smirking, "Come on, we know your secret admit it!"
"Admit what!" Toshiya angrily declared.
"You think we are blind…? It’s obvious, you’re in love with Kaoru."
"No…" but Toshiya blushed, giving it all away.
"What we were going to suggest was this…" Kyo began to whisper to Toshiya…Die silently watched, his cheesy grin gradually becoming a beaming smile. Toshiya nodded smiling at Kyo.
"All right! We’re a team ne?" They all said smiling as they slapped hands…
These days Kaoru just couldn’t stop the tears from falling, tears of sadness, endless rain, bitterness, lost love, and just tears in general.
If only tomorrow could be next week…
His cheeks were salty and wet from the tears, and if what he suspected to be true, he wished in his heart…he could have Toshiya with him…just once.
Toshiya…you’d never look at me…that way would you? I am just a friend…and not even a good one. How can I develop a crush on you? How!?
His tears began to fall more rapidly, with fewer intervals.
Oh Toshiya…Toshiya…I wish you could hold me in your arms…
Before long he had cried so much, he had no more tears left to cry and there was an aching chasm in his heart…he limply lay on the futon…completely drained.
Toshiya stood silently watching at Kaoru’s bedroom…he didn’t have the heart to disturb him.
*
Kaoru felt so dizzy and scared as he looked at the little white envelope in his shaking
hands, he didn’t want to open it, but he knew he had to. Who on earth wanted to open
an envelope with that kind of information!? Certainly not him!
Taking a deep breath he began to tear the envelope open, he pulled the slip of paper out and began to read as tears fell…
*
"Toshiya…you must do it tonight!" Die and Kyo urged him… Toshiya
nodded agreeing.
He walked slowly to Kaoru’s house prolonging the time before he reached there… what if he is not there? He pulled out the key Kyo had given him and he slowly unlocked the door. He slid it open cautiously but Kaoru was not in the room…premonition told him to try him bedroom…
Kaoru was sobbing loudly when Toshiya silently opened the door…as Kaoru thought, Toshiya please I just wish you could hold me Toshiya crept over and leant down and stroked his fingers down Kaoru’s cheek. Before Kaoru knew who it was Toshiya was holding him against his chest…soothing and calming him. His arms holding Kaoru in a warm embrace, an embrace full of love and warmth.
"Toshiya?" Kaoru hopefully whispered…he looked up with his beautiful teary sad eyes, blinked them clear…
"Hai…" Toshiya whispered back, cradling Kaoru’s head in his arms, "Everything will be ok…rest easy now…" Kaoru smiled as he clung to Toshiya…he could feel the pain leaving his limbs, the emptiness in his heart no longer empty. Soon he found the courage to speak…
"I went for a test." That was all he could say for the moment…Toshiya’s eyes narrowed as he thought about that.
"What kind of test?"
Kaoru gulped and buried his head in Toshiya’s chest, and then looked up into Toshiya’s eyes, Toshiya fell silent as he saw Kaoru’s gorgeous brown eyes staring at him, he was mesmerised in their beauty and clarity.
"A cancer test…" Kaoru trailed off as his eyes filled with tears, as a single tear rolled down his cheek, Toshiya leaned down kissing the tear away with a simple touch of his lips.
"Kaoru! Is that why?" Toshiya trailed off, Oh no…Kaoru…please…be ok! I can’t live if you’re not ok!
Toshiya’s eyes filled with tears, what if you’re not ok? Oh Kaoru! He began to cry, pulling Kaoru closer into his hold, as he heard Kaoru whisper, "Just hold me…" Kaoru could not bear to see Toshiya’s tears and so he spoke…Toshiya could feel his breath on his chest, it was warm and ticklish.
"Hai…but the result was negative." He voice was soft and relieved, Toshiya smiled and he bent his head leaning down to kiss Kaoru’s lips in a soft embrace…their lips met gently in what could only be called a hungry passionate kiss.
Thank god…because I love you…
Toshiya cupped Kaoru’s head in his arms, he leaned down looking down at him, he kissed him again as relief flooded his heart. Kaoru’s sexy arms pulled Toshiya down to him, "Please…will you stay with me Toshiya? I can’t bear to be parted…" his eyes were wet and full of love.
I love you…I love you…I love you…I love you…
They lovingly gazed at each other…knowing that they had finally filled the emptiness in their searching souls…
***
Owari~ ^_^
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