Staring at an old man sitting in front of me inside of a crowded bus was the last thing I would have done if I had not forgotten to bring my walkman with me this morning. While I was was waiting for the bus, my right hand dove into my pocket, only to realize that I had forgotten to bring my walkman with me today. I was replacing it's battery with new ones, and must have forgotten to slip inside of the pocket or something.
The old man's head cocked as he dozed, drooling a bit, murmuring something incoherent. I wonder if that would be the way I would look if I dozed off... a smile formed on my lips as I continued to stare at the old man's face.
He somehow reminded me of that doctor from hospital. Memories flooded inside of my head as I blinked hard to fight back tears from falling down on my cheeks...
[flashback]
"You're very lucky," I was staring at the doctor's old, wrinkly face, "no sign of STD or what-so-ever, Takada-san."
I did not say anything, even though I was more than relieved deep inside.
The doctor continued, "however, I highly recommend you to visit a psychiatrist sooner or later," I stared at the wall behind of the doc, "it's very dangerous to bottle up this in you. I think seeking a professional help would have you greatly."
I had to fight an impulse to punch the doctor in the face. The professional help?
"I will be all right." I replied dryly. My throat was getting dry, it hurted when I talked.
"It's not your fault that this had happend to you, Takada-san." The doctor continued. I wanted to yell back 'what the fuck do you know?' to him.
"I don't need pity from others!" I stood up, giving a small bow to the doctor before I ran out from the room. I ignored as people stared at my back strangely, wondering what has upset me so badly to make me run away from doctor's office.
[end of flashback]
Not my fault? I still felt like a slut, even after it was twenty-four hours after my visit to hospital. I should have yelled back at that old doctor... what does he fucking know about me?
What does he know about me and Kaoru?
A tear, despite of my effort, rolled down on my face. I quickly brushed it away with the back of my right hand. I raised my face again only to realize that the old man sitting in front of me was now awaken and staring back at my face.
I quickly turned my gaze to elsewhere. Funny... he woke up from his sleep because of a tear?
=====================================================================
I was exhausted when the practice was finally over for a day. Of course, none of my friends mentioned about my little visit to hospital.
They must have assumed what happened to me at hospital... oh, well. Why was Die grinning like an idiot? He and Kyo teased at each other like usual. Shinya would roll his eyes whenever Die and Kyo threw stupid remarks at each other. Kaoru was... well...
He was kept staring at me, never taking his eyes off from me. He was staring at me every second as if.... what am I? A fucking monkey in zoo?
I avoided Kaoru as much as I could... no eye contacts what-so-ever. Staying in the same room with him made me felt very uncomfortable inside.
'You're a slut...'
'You don't deserve me anymore...'
Kaoru's voice rang inside of my head. No... it must be my stupid imagination! But... what if it was all true after all? Kaoru... I'm sorry for what happened to me. I was an idiot, a dorkass! Since I do not deserve you anymore, I would leave you alone! I would not try to notice you!
"Toshiya is so quiet today!" Die said, "you all right?"
I shrugged.
"See? He should be all right because he's being all bratty!" Kyo said, whacking Die's back really hard.
"AWWWW! YOU!" Die hollared from top of his voice, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"
Shinya rolled his eyes again, "we're being real mature here..."
"SHUT UP!" Both Die and Kyo shouted in unison. They started to crack up. I wish... I wish I was as happy as them right now... I wish...
"I think I'm going home now," I put my bass away, "I'm so tired..."
Die and Kyo were too busy kicking each other to notice me. Only Shinya and Kaoru seemed to hear what I've just said.
"Hai! Ki o tsukette! Oyasumi!" Shinya smiled at me. I did not smile back, nor did I return his oyasumi to him; instead, I walked out from the room as fast as I could.
Tears came out as soon as I was out in the street. Why... why am I crying? Am I crying just because I did not return Shinya's oyasumi as I should have? ... I guess not. Was I expecting Kaoru to say something to me? ... maybe...
Wiping tears off from my face, I started to walk slowly toward a bus stop.
Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder, making me wince. I was forced to turn around, forced to face Kaoru... Kaoru and his... pair of angry eyes?
"Are you all right?" Kaoru asked. I did not say anything, dropping my eyes on the ground instead, "answer me, damn it!" Kaoru shook me a little.
I let him shook me, as if I was a lifeless doll. I felt his hand slide down from my shoulder. I heard him to expel a sigh, the sigh filled with sadness and anger.
"We need to talk," Kaoru said, "whether you like it or not!"
He held my right hand tightly, starting to drag me toward a direction of my apartment. I did not even bother to pull my hand away from him. I did not even bother to protest.
I was nothing but an empty shell...