I've always hated byouin [hospital] since the day I was born. I never liked the smell of stenches of sickness and drugs. Desperate cries of somebody when a doctor tell him or her, "I'm sorry, your beloved one is dead despite of our effort...". Sometimes I would hear somebody being happy for getting recovered from their sickness.
But still... majority of people hated byouin, and I was one of them.
Do I have any choice now?
I bit my lower lip as I was waiting for my turn for a nurse to call me to see a doctor.
I felt like a shit... No, I was already a shit... contaminated beyond belief... filthy, untouchable... tears were swelling in my eyes again. I tilted my head a bit so the warm liquid would not trickle down my chin.
Kaoru was in shock, of course. He was still refusing to talk to me, even though it was been a week since that happened to me... I would look filthy in his eyes... I guess... He might not want me anymore... no, nobody would want me now... I guess... they all know now... all of my friends know that I was raped.
Yet, they did not blame me for what happened.
Yet, I was... I was blaming myself for it. If I had not taken that road... if I was brave enough to tell Kaoru before that could ever take place...
Then I would not feeling this way, like now... if it was Kaoru who first claimed my body. If it was Kaoru who... attacked me like that... I would have let him have me... willngly...
"Takada-san?" Of course, I've used an alia here. I did not want to make a huge mess out of what happened to me. I stood up, nodded my head once to the nurse, and walked in to see the doctor.
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Kaoru was staring at a space in front of him. Empty bottles were lying all around him- he needed to get drunk. He needed to... he could not protect someone he cared from a danger.
Toshiya...
A tear rolled down Kaoru's cheek.
Toshiya... the bishounen bassist of Dir en grey.
When Kaoru first met Toshiya, he almost thought that the bluehead was a girl. No, Toshiya was the most beautiful creature that he has ever seen before in his life. Toshiya's slender body... his small waist... his lovely face... his voice when he speak... Kaoru was a prisoner to Toshiya's charms before he knew it.
He knew Toshiya loved him.
Yet, he did not do anything...
He let bad things to happen to Toshiya...
Toshiya would hate him now...
Tears came. Kaoru buried his face in his arms.
I'm sorry, Toshiya... I should have told you sooner... I should have accepted your love when I still could have...
Is it too late now?
Is it too late for you to give me your love?
Do you hate me, Toshiya?
"What the fuck's going on here?" Die eyed at the bottles on the floor. He kicked one of them on the floor, which flew toward the corner and shattered when it hit the wall.
Die and Shinya stared at the guitarist of Dir en grey, who was sprawled on the floor, sharply. Shinya nodded his head once to Die.
The letter bent over and grabbed Kaoru by the collar, "get your fucking ass up! You think acting this way'll help Toshiya?"
Kaoru struggled to free himself from Die, "leave me alone! It's my fault! It's my fault that Toshiya's raped!" SLAP! Kaoru never felt a blow on his face... yet, it hurted... it stung sharply...
"You fucking idiot!" Die yelled in Kaoru's ears, "you think Toshiya would have liked to see you like this? You try to support him as best as you can, you asshole! Not acting like somekind of loser!"
Staring into Die's eyes, Kaoru suddenly realized that Die was crying, too. Die... so they were all crying inside... Kyo, Shinya... Die... they all felt sick for what happened to their friend.
"Die's right," Shinya spoke in soft voice, "Toshiya needs everyone's support now. He must be thinking that he's no longer touchable... he'll think of himself unworthy to you, Kaoru."
Kaoru's body jerked as if somebody stabbed him in the heart, "... that's not true," Kaoru murmured, "no matter what happened to him, he not contaminated, untouchable person..."
Die released his grip on Kaoru's collar, "... then you tell him... you tell him that," Die started to walk out from the room, "and you better try to make him forget about that fucking incident, too!"
Shinya gave a small bow to Kaoru, "I guess Die hated to see any of his friends to get hurt," Shinya started to walk out from the room when he suddenly turned around, "and no hard feelings for that slap?" Shinya gave a small grin to Kaoru, running after Die after that.
Kaoru was left alone in his room. Almost instinctively, he started to pick up empty bottles off from his floor.
What the fuck he was thinking?
He should not be doing this... for Toshiya.
For his Toshiya...