Part 4
Kaoru was up early that morning. His dreams had been haunted by the unceasing image of Toshiya sneaking behind Shinya, bringing him in his arms, and kissing him, so sensuously yet in such a carefree way, right in front of Kaoru's disbelieving eyes…
What they did within their bedroom walls wasn't any of Kaoru's business. Why had he had to witness such a thing, at such a moment? Right when he'd been about to confess! Since when were these two together anyway? And why had Kaoru taken for granted that Toshiya would stay single? Toshiya was beautiful, friendly, and so much smarter than people often gave him credit for! It was obvious he wouldn't stay alone; in fact, it was surprising he hadn't started dating a band member long before.
Kaoru spent most of the day in his room, moping on the wrinkled sheets, only moving to let the maid do her job… He stayed inert, listening to music and thinking, getting depressed. He felt like he was losing something…something too important for words. He was getting old…maybe not that hold, but he wanted to find love soon…true love…he wanted to find love with Toshiya, God knew how much he loved him already… but Kaoru hadn't been able to go toward him. He'd kept waiting, wanting to see if Toshiya felt something for him first, but… the way Toshiya acted with him was the same way he acted with his other band mates. Still, Kaoru had kept waiting, patiently hoping… and now he'd waited too long.
When he got out of his room it was almost time to hop into the bus and get to the place where they would performing tonight. He went down to the lobby, where Kyo was already hanging out, wearing sunglasses. Kaoru smiled, he hadn't done anything to hide his identity, but a least the hotel was a quiet one…
"Hey Kyo!" he greeted. "What's up?"
Kyo shrugged. "Nothing much to do here, I walked through the neighborhood and it wasn't very, uh, stimulating. What about you? You look tired."
Kyo paused before replying, surprised. Kyo wasn't usually that observant. "Do I look that terrible?" he asked. "I had a hard time sleeping, the tour is making me nervous," he lied.
Kyo lifted his eyebrow under his dark lenses. Since when was their mighty leader so unsure of himself?
"Don't lose sleep over it, you know we did great yesterday."
Kaoru agreed, but still…
He was interrupted by Toshiya's entrance. With Shinya by his side. Of course, they were together, they'd probably spent the night in each other's company. They'd made it quite clear yesterday… Kaoru greeted them, keeping his face expressionless save for that trademark pout of his. He couldn't know, of course, that Shinya had stopped by Toshiya's room only five minutes ago so that they could carry their luggage down together…
Toshiya's heart squeezed as he entered the lobby, seeing Kaoru looking so drained, so worn out, even if he was trying to seem indifferent. Before he knew what he was doing, some sudden impulse pushed Toshiya toward Kaoru, until he was standing right in front of him. Kaoru smiled politely, almost coldly. His stare made Toshiya's throat feel dry suddenly, and he didn't trust himself to speak. He cleared his throat.
"Ready for tonight?" he asked innocently, feeling somewhat foolish with the meaningless question, but thankful he was able to keep his voice steady.
"As always," Kaoru shrugged, not meeting his eyes, his sight hovering somewhere on the top of Toshiya's forehead.
"Kaoru," Toshiya started nervously, trying unsuccessfully to meet his eyes. He studied the ground, a mosaique of pastel colored tiles, and spoke up. "I'm really sorry about yesterday. The way I acted…and the way Shinya acted…was really rude. I wanted to apologize."
"That's okay. It's my fault for disturbing you so late," Kaoru alleged with a short, humorless laugh.
"Well…what did you want anyway?" Toshiya wanted to know, lifting his eyes so that they locked with Kaoru's, engaging in a short but intense stare. Kaoru wanted to lie, but Toshiya's gaze was too scrutinizing, and he couldn't offer anything but the truth to these dark eyes… But he couldn't say anything of the likes either, so he answered evasively, looking away, saying that it was not really important. Still Toshiya's eyes were on him, trying to catch his own, but Kaoru carefully avoided them.
"You look tired," Toshiya commented. "Are you okay?"
Such concern in these few words! Suddenly, Kaoru wanted to spill the whole truth, but it would be to no avail; Toshiya was with Shinya, and all he'd achieve by declaring his love would be to merely make Toshiya feel bad for him. So Kaoru kept quiet and nodded, trying to discourage Toshiya from any further conversation.
But Toshiya wouldn't comply; he couldn't simply stand there in front of a beat up Kaoru without trying to make him feel better. A hug, maybe a simple hug would do the trick. Okay, so it would definitely make Toshiya feel better, but still…
Toshiya braced himself and took one step closer, and another, until he found himself inches from leaning on Kaoru's whole frame, and then he slowly brought his arms around Kaoru, one above his shoulders and one under them, without daring to as much as glance at his face in fear of finding a sign of hesitation or rejection. But, wait, Kaoru's arms were surrounding him slowly, yes, they were touching his back, and suddenly, a gust of affection made Toshiya's arms close tightly in a strong embrace. His nose was in Kaoru's hair; its simple, manly fragrance enfolded Toshiya, an, added to Kaoru's tight if unmoving hold, it was enough to send the blue head in a state of ecstasy.
"Please take care of yourself," Toshiya said in his ear, speaking softly, patting his back awkwardly.
He felt Kaoru squeeze a little tighter then let go, looking up at Toshiya with a little smile and a nod. "Thanks," he said simply.
Toshiya smiled and turned around, stepping back to Shinya's side, his heart dancing. His whole being felt suddenly so light, as if the softest blow of wind would send him flying in the endless sky… But Shinya was his complete opposite, a dark brooding figure standing like a statue beside the small fountain which occupied the center of the lobby. Toshiya noticed that Die had come in and was keeping quieter than usual as well…
"You really should apologize to Die," Toshiya advised the drummer in a low whisper. "I just did, to Kaoru, kind of… It really made me feel better."
Shinya shook his head. "I don't need too. What happened this morning is Die's own fault! I'm not gonna start apologizing when he's responsible to!"
"You're too stubborn, Shinya," Toshiya said.
Shinny shrugged. "So is he, in his own way. And frankly, I'm starting to think it's too much work to continue liking him… Maybe I should stop trying altogether."
"Shinya," Toshiya said dryly, "what kind of an attitude is that? That slap must have hurt his feeling, and now you're thinking of just stopping to talk to him? Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Well.. it's not like I'll stop talking to him completely, but… I don't know…I…" Shinya felt too discouraged to even end his sentence.
"Come on, smile!" Toshiya said encouragingly, opting for a friendlier approach, taking Shinya's face between his two hands and prompting a smile by softly pushing his cheeks up with his thumbs. Shinya looked down shyly, Toshiya's fingers leaving a slight blush on his cheeks.
"O..kay," Shinya said slowly, obeying with a half smile. Toshiya grinned at him, and Shinya's smile spread wider.
"That's the spirit!" Toshiya glanced quickly at a clock on the wall. "Oops, I think we better get going!"
The subject of Die was dropped altogether as they got prepared for the next performance, and Shinya was careful not to put himself in any situation where he'd have to talk to Die. Instead, he spent his time with Toshiya, his mood lifting slowly as they kidded around… And as he watched the bassist he started to think that maybe he was the kind of person he needed… Nice, friendly, understanding without being afraid of giving a good kick in the butt when necessary… He'd never make Shinya cry… and Shinya wouldn't make him cry either… Toshiya…
***
"You're kidding. Shinya and Toshiya together!"
Die was gaping at Kaoru, thinking he had heard wrong. They were done with the sound tests and had some time left to hang out before the beginning of the show, so Kaoru had come up to him, shooting him the news.
"This is no joke," Kaoru groaned. "It's obvious they are!"
"Wait. Don't you know for sure?" Die asked. It really didn't make sense in his head. Why would Shinya have gone crazy being teased about Kaoru if he was with Toshiya already?
Anyways, no wonder Kaoru had looked down today. Maybe not depressed, but down.
"I saw them together last night, when I was going to, you know, confess to Toshiya. They put on a very, uh, interesting show, hinting at the wild night they were about to have together, you see? Toshiya apologized today," Kaoru added with a little smile, " but the way he talked leaves no doubt in my mind that they're together. And it's driving me crazy," he admitted.
Die still looked somewhat bemused. "It doesn't make sense. Why would they go out together so suddenly, out of the blue? Neither of us saw it coming…"
He lit up a cigarette, needing to keep himself busy, and went on. "I just don't get it…"
For a moment he mused over everything that had occurred recently. Shinya saying there was someone in love with Kaoru, then going crazy when Die teased him about liking him… that had made Die believe Shinya liked Kaoru. But if he was with Toshiya, then why this reaction? Ah, and fuck it. What good was there in trying to analyze Shinya anyway? That guy kept more secrets than any old crypt or pyramid ever could hold… with the shortest temper Die had ever seen added to that. Shinya was a freak…and Die couldn't stop thinking about him even if he was supposed to be pondering on Kaoru and Toshiya right now.
"Figure something out?" Kaoru asked after awhile of taking long drags of his own cigarette.
Die shook his head. "I guess I can always ask Toshiya about their relationship to make sure, but you make it sound pretty obvious. Unless it was just a one night stand…"
"Yeah. Maybe it was only that," Kaoru supposed, still looking glum. He didn't want to picture Toshiya in bed with Shinya, but his morbid imagination had already created the image. "Damn, I hate that…"
***
Dies' eyes often travelled to the imposing drum set hiding Shinya's slim figure during that night's performance, more often so than usual. Shinya kept staring straight ahead, doing his job and nothing more, hiding behind his bangs. He had the feeling Shinya had been avoiding him today, probably because of that slap he'd given him this morning. That was much like the Shinya he knew, trying to escape from eventual apologies by keeping to himself instead. However, Shinya's sudden relationship with Toshiya… no it didn't make sense at all, he couldn't understand it. There was something wrong with everything that was happening, and he couldn't put his finger on it.
Well, fortunately there wasn't anymore kissy-kissy surprise between Shinya and Toshiya on the stage that night. That probably was a small victory for Kaoru.
When the show was over they escaped in the tour bus, having to ride it all night and a good part of the day after. That meant all of them having to sleep in a confined area…together.
Toshiya was about to follow Die so he'd sit by his side and maybe have a private talk with him when everyone was asleep—-he was still convinced that Die was going out with Kaoru and he wanted to put light on that point-—but Shinya took his arm and pulled him to the other side of the bus. It was a small space, basically furnished with long seat that could be used as a bed, so they weren't that far from the others…but Toshiya couldn't have his talk with Die that way either…
"Shinya, I really need to talk to Die," he hissed.
"No…don't leave me alone," Shinya pleaded.
Toshiya lifted his eyebrow; since when was Shinya so clingy? He must still be upset over Die.. Toshiya sighed in submission. Then Shinya got something out of his bag.
"Look what I brought with me," he said shyly, holding up the little panda Toshiya had given him earlier. At which's sight Kyo, who had been starting to get sleepy, opened his eyes wide and leaned forward in surprise.
"Totchi, you gave him Dada-chan? I thought you'd never part with him!" he exclaimed. He'd lived with Toshiya long enough to know that it was a precious keepsake.
Toshiya shrugged, unaware that Kaoru was all ears. "Sometimes we have to move on. And, I really wanted to give it to Shinya, I think he needed something like that."
"I tried to refuse, but…" Shinya shrugged helplessly.
"You'll never cease to surprise me, Totchi," Kyo said, slumping in his seat and resuming his sleep.
Kaoru was quiet. No matter what anyone said, the proofs of Toshiya being not single anymore were piling up. Onstage kisses, loving late night embraces and now, the exchange of a precious memento; it all was too much to be coincidental. *Toshiya, why didn't I go to you before it was too late? You can give me all the friendly hugs you want, but in the end, everything is lost.*
***
*Dear XX
I can't sleep. I feel the wheels of the bus moving against the road,
with the soft, regular rumble of the motor. There's a low lamp
casting an eery glow, barely enabling me to see what I'm writing.
Kaoru seems to be sleeping soundly. I'm peering at him through the
darkness, squinting my eyes so that I can see him, observe him
despite that darkness… I stay like that a long moment, I could spend
the whole night just looking at him sleeping…
He's beautiful.
But wait. He's sleeping alone, he's not with Die! My dear best friend
is sleeping on a completely different bed. I'm grinning now, I can't
stop grinning! They haven't really acted like a couple since the
beginning of the tour, all they've been is a little secretive.
There's hope, there's HOPE! I know I shouldn't let my spirits lift
for no reason, but, other than that…scene I unfortunately witnessed,
it's starting to look like there's nothing between them! I can't
help but feeling relieved… Do you know how terrible it is to think
that the two most important people in your life have turned to each
other, leaving you behind? Do you understand how scared I am that it
will happen? I mean, it would be bad enough to lose Kaoru to someone
else…but losing my best friend to Kaoru? Having no one to turn to? I
don't want to think about it…
… I reread what I just wrote. Maybe I'm being too optimistic about Kaoru…but I still think I'll sleep easier tonight... Mou, Kaoru just moved in his sleep and I can't see is face anymore. I guess I'll just leave it at that and get some rest.. Toshiya, feeling…how exactly am I feeling?*
***
The sky was everywhere, above him, around him, under his feet, a purple sky woven with stretching ribbons of white smoke, moving against a warm, soft breeze that tickled Toshiya's skin when it brushed it. There were black roses petals everywhere, twirling, dancing with the smoke, offering an enchanting vision which Toshiya admired for what seemed like an eternity, his eyes shining in awe. A brilliant, shimmering light materialized far beyond, reaching Toshiya through the smoke. Like an insect he was inevitably drawn to it, walking toward it on the immaterial floor of smoke… Something stopped him, grasping him from behind, restraining his movement. Toshiya tried to turn around; the hold was tight and should have scared him, but he felt strangely confident. A voice in his mind told him to close his eyes. He complied without the least hesitation, and suddenly felt a gentle mouth on his, a sweet, familiar scent washing over him. He didn't have to open his eyes; he already knew that mysterious person's identity. Without ever opening his eyes he kissed back, picturing that person he knew so well yet so little, relishing the first kiss with his true love… Who cared if it was a dream, it was the most wonderful dream he had ever had, certainly more fulfilling than reality ever could be. He could feel every sensation as if they were real…the utter blackness of his closed eyes… the sound of their lips and tongue meeting…the wonderful smell of his hair…the sweet taste of his mouth…and the incredible sensation of love caused by any of their touches…
Toshiya was starting to feel it all too well… the warmth of Kaoru's mouth, the wetness of his tongue, the softness of his lips…
Suddenly Toshiya's eyes snapped open. The purple landscape had been replaced by the shadowed tour bus, but the lips hadn't disappeared, and he realized a thin body was lain over his, graceful fingers entwined in his hair... Toshiya blinked his sleepy eyes, pushing the other person away, trying to recognize his identity.
"Shh," came the familiar voice. "It's just me."
A hand had made its way on Toshiya's head once again, stroking it lovingly.
"Shinya?!" he exclaimed, not understanding. "What are you doing here, get back to sleep now!" he said in a low, trembling voice.
"Why? You didn't seem to hate it all that much just now," Shinya stated in a whisper, his hands framing Toshiya's sleepy face. He was now crouching beside Toshiya who lay unmoving, trying to recover from his surprise.
"I was sleeping, Shinya." He frowned. "Why are you doing this?"
"It's fun abusing you in your sleep," he replied evasively.
"Shinya," Toshiya warned.
"I was just feeling lonely…I guess," Shinya admitted. He stroked Toshiya's cheek slowly, his touch seeming a little too…loving…
Toshiya yawned. "You could have done that with Die. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded."
"No, Toshiya, you don't understand," Shinya countered, sounding serious. "I'm really thinking of letting it drop with Die… When I look at you…I understand that there are far better people in this world…People that were born to be with someone like me, people with whom I get along naturally. Do you understand?"
Toshiya was afraid he understood too much. He nodded quietly, now wide awaked, trying to forget the double meaning his word might imply. Was he really speaking in generalities, or was he saying that Toshiya was the one for him? Toshiya wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"Why did you come to me?" he asked. " Are you using me to get Die out of your mind?"
"I don't really know what I'm doing," he admitted. "I don't feel like I'm using you, I just want to be close to you…just for now…" He laid himself on top of Toshiya, resting his head on his chest. "I feel like you're my only friend."
"That's not true Shinya, I'm not the only one who cares about you… every one does, they just have a different way of showing it," Toshiya reasoned.
"Well, your the nicest of them all…"
Shinya lifted his head to look into Toshiya's eyes. "Can't I kiss you again?" he asked, his voice sounding more shy now.
Toshiya frowned. "Why are you doing this?"
"It told you. I'm feeling lonely and you're my only friend," he repeated patiently. "And I…I think I'm falling for you," he blurted out, his cheeks crimson in the darkness. "I know you don't feel the same now," he rushed on, "but maybe…someday…"
Toshiya shook his head. "This is not right, Shinya. You're saying that now, but once things settle down with Die you'll turn to him again."
"I told you, it can't work between me and Die! You're the one for me Toshiya, you and no other!"
"Shh, Shinya, you're going to wake up the others…"
"Don't change the subject. Toshiya, I realized it today. I love you."
Toshiya wanted to argue, but who was he to judge Shinya's feeling? They must feel true enough if he was willing to say these words to Toshiya…
"Please…just let me kiss you. I won't ask for anything more." Shinya was already lowering his face close to Toshiya's, lips half parted in expectation. "Is that okay?…"
Toshiya agreed silently, orienting his lips up into Shinya's aim. It was the least he could do for his friend… even if it might not exactly be the best idea, here in that bus with all of their band mates around…
They kissed tenderly, and Toshiya was starting to think that maybe Shinya really just wanted of feel better… There was no blazing passion in his kiss, only a simple desire for closeness and affection.
"I love you," Shinya whispered a little too loudly, surfacing. "I can't tell you enough."
"Think what you want," Toshiya replied simply. He was pretty sure Shinya didn't really love him, but the fact that he seemed to truly believe so was making things worse. And Shinya's lips were already on Toshiya's once more, playing with Toshiya's lips with the tip of his tongue until he engaged a really sweet French kiss, so tender it was almost innocent… It felt comfortable, being with Shinya in that position… maybe it didn't rock his world, but Toshiya really liked it nevertheless. He just hoped Shinya would understand that this wasn't love at all, it was just…real close friendship, maybe?
Toshiya emerged out of the kiss, a slight, contented smile playing on his lips. Shinya was beaming, his smile beautiful as he asked for one last kiss… Toshiya raised his head and placed his hands around Shinya's neck, pulling him down, starting to get addicted to these sweet kisses… But, suddenly, some sort of sixth sense made his eyes open wide and he looked around, beyond Shinya's relaxed face, in Kaoru's direction. Sure enough, his eyes were opened, and his face quite visible, illuminated by the nearby lamp. And he looked… stricken. Toshiya's heart stopped beating, an icy coldness washing over him. He held Kaoru's gaze, his lips moving against Shinya's automatically as he felt Kaoru's pained eyes burning into his. *Kaoru, no, it's not like that!* Toshiya panicked, ending the kiss swiftly and pulling Shinya's head down on his chest. Kaoru turned around, his back Toshiya, and didn't move anymore.
"Let's sleep okay?" Toshiya whispered in a broken voice.
Shinya didn't insist. He wondered why Toshiya had finished their kiss in such a brisk way, but didn't think any further. He was in Toshiya's arms now, and it felt as good as he would have thought. That's was all he needed now, the caring embrace of a person who really understood him…a person so easy to love… but, why was his chest trembling now? Raising and falling sharply, irregularly?
Shinya lifted his head and saw a tear quietly roll down Toshiya's perfect cheek. Toshiya was crying? *What have I done?* Shinya wondered, *Is it because I kissed him?* Shinya called his name softly but Toshiya kept quiet, shaking with uncontrollable, silent sobs. Then he opened his eyes.
"Kaoru," Toshiya whispered, his voice barely audible for Shinya, despite their closeness. "He saw."
No…NO! It wasn't supposed to be that way! Kaoru wasn't supposed to see that! Shinya had only intented to act discretely, to make these kisses a secret, a sweet memory he'd cherish… What had he done!?
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Shinya murmured, holding Toshiya tight. Then he raised to go to his own bed. The last thing Toshiya needed was for Kaoru to see them in each other's arm when he woke up… But Toshiya was pulling him back down, close to him.
"I don't want to be alone," he whispered.
Shinya couldn't turn him down. He laid beside Toshiya, embracing him once more. It took them a long time to fall back to sleep, but when they did, they were still in each other's arms….
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