Part 3
*Dear XX
I just woke up. Thinking. Thinking that what was going on right now was extremely ridiculous and had to end now. Trying to make Kaoru jealous with Shinya…come on…That's the kind of trick a twelve years- old girl would pull out… So I decided I'm just going to talk to Die. Shinya knows about Kaoru, so why shouldn't I tell my best friend? Wipe that, I can't tell him before I know what exactly is his relationship with Kaoru. My best friend going out with my Kaoru. My Kao-Kao… It still doesn't sink in. I really need to have a talk with Die, to know where are is feelings for Kaoru…and what are Kaoru's feelings for Die…I need some truth here, okay!*
****
Shinya was standing sleepily, the large window framing his frail silhouette as his eyes caressed the blue sky absently. He didn't see the ever changing, willowy clouds, only the blue azure, so deep, so powerful… He stepped back to the center of the room after a moment, pulling some casual clothes from his suitcase, and dressed up, lost in thoughts. The fragments of his imagination were aimed toward Toshiya for a change…trying to understand his behavior, his way of reasoning. He'd experimented with getting Kaoru jealous and in some way it had worked… Even if he and Die were together--Shinya still cringed at the thought--it was obvious he felt something for the bassist. And Toshiya hadn't even stopped to think why Kaoru had come to his room at such a late moment of the evening… There must be some reason, some reason for Kaoru looking so hurt and dismayed at the mere comprehension that Shinya was in Toshiya's room at that time of the day… Shinya realized that he and Toshiya shouldn't even have bothered with pretending they were together--they would have reached their goal even without using such means…
Shinya got out of his room, and ran into Die who stepped back in surprise.
"Don't open the door like that, you made me jump!" Die exclaimed, his eyes opened wide, staring at the drummer who'd stopped in his tracks.
Shinya looked surprised too, but he was quick tempered as usual and he reacted hotly.
"You're the one who were walking in front of my door, it's not my fault," he retorted, his eyes burning intently into Die's.
"Can't you just take it easy?" Die said calmly, raising one eyebrow.
Fucking Die, why did he always stay so relaxed when Shinya wanted to strangle him?!
Shinya felt his cheeks burning with frustration at the sight of Die's tiny smile.
"Come on, Shinya, don't get mad at me, I haven't done anything wrong."
Shinya kept silent, trying to take longer, deeper breaths, but he couldn't tone down his flaring hatred for the redhead who looked so smooth and calm, with his slightly superior smile. How Shinya hated the way it made him look so handsome, how that lowlife Die could make his heart beat so fast when he wanted to destroy his face with his fist all the while…
"You're going for breakfast?" Die asked, looking like he was making a strenuous effort at being friendly.
Shinya eyes him suspiciously. "Yeah. I guess."
"You want to join me?" he asked casually with a smile.
"Why, you haven't found Toshiya or Kaoru?" Shinya asked, very much on his guards.
"No, but I found you. My treat?" Die's eyes were laughing.
"The breakfast's included," Shinya retorted sharply, but a bitter frustration was creeping in his heart. Why couldn't they just get along? Why couldn't Die stop saying things that he knew would make Shinya mad?
"Well, eat by yourself then," Die replied, starting to walk away.
"Wait, I'm coming," Shinya said quietly, trying not to sound desperate.
Die paused until Shinya reached him, and smiled. "You just mastered lesson one of Being Friendly. Congratulations."
He wasn't even being that sarcastic. Shinya smiled back, exhaling slowly. There, he could congratulate himself. He'd actually done something that encouraged his relationship with Die, instead of going against it!
They rode down the elevator quietly and sat in the corner of a small room of the hotel restaurant, behind a row of plastic potted plants. For awhile they were busy selecting their order, but soon they were sitting idly, waiting for their food, with fifteen minutes in their handsto find some conversation that wouldn't sound too hollow.
"So…" Die started at the same time Shinya said "Die…"
They laughed a little. "Go ahead," Shinya said, smiling sweetly.
Die shrugged. "I was just about to launch into small talk mode. We don't exactly have much to tell each other unless I'm teasing you."
"Don't you start," Shinya warned, but it wasn't that serious.
"I wasn't going to."
Die smiled, and the next seconds were a little awkward. Then Shinya dpoke up, his tone of voice serious, his eyes seeking Die's.
"Listen, there is something I have to ask you. It's personal and maybe it's none of my business, but I really need to know."
Die was surprised, unable to imagine what Shinya could have on his mind.
"Go ahead."
Shinya looked down, nervously ripping the paper napkin. "It's about Kaoru. Are you two… are you two together? I mean, as in koi?"
Die's face froze for a moment, gaping at Shinya, than he started laughing, doubling over, his face hidden in his arms as he gasped for breath, tears springing in his eyes.
"You're asking that seriously!" he panted, finally looking up at Shinya's insulted face.
"I have a very good reason for wanting to know, so if you will please stop laughing at me…"
Shinya was starting to get mad again.
"But, Shinya, what in the world made you think that!" Die asked, still looking at him in disbelief. "There's nothing between Kaoru and I!" he exclaimed, reaching to grab Shinya's arms emphatically. "Why is it that important? Answer me!"
Shinya was frowning…the contact of Die's warm, hardened guitarist fingers with his skin felt so incredibly comfortable, but he hated the way he seemed to be ridiculing him. "Don't touch me," Shinya warned, shrugging him off.
"But, Shinya…" Die said, his voice softer.
Shinya shrugged. "Someone likes Kaoru, it might be me or anyone else… And that person doesn't want to go after him if he's taken."
They were interrupted by a waiter bringing them their food, then Die went on.
"Well, Kaoru's heart is taken already, but that's it. Otherwise he's not tied down."
"Do you know who he loves?" Shinya asked in a hushed voice.
"Do I look like someone who'd betray his friend's confidence?"
"Well…yes?" Shinya replied teasingly.
Die groaned. "Well, all I can tell you is that if you want him for yourself you don't stand a chance."
"I don't want him for myself!" Shinya retorted vehemently.
"Why are you denying it?" Die asked with that smug smile of his.
"I'm not denying! IT'S THE TRUTH! I don't want him!"
"Why are you being so energetic about it then? Don't lie, I know you want him."
"I don't!" Shinya said, flushing, it was Die he wanted, it was that jerk he wanted.
"Why so red? Admit you dream about him every night!"
"I don't," Shinya said shortly.
"You love him."
"No."
"You need his body, I know you do...Ah, Kaoru…" Die said with a fake sigh of longing.
"Fuck you Die, can't you let it go!" Shinya burst out angrily, jumping to his feet.
"But you have to be honest with yourself!" Die exclaimed defensively.
Shinya was seeing black, a terrible fury welling up inside him, and he walked to Die, grabbing his shoulders violently, Die staring at him with disbelief.
"I.hate.you."
Shinya's hand went flying against Die's cheek, then he blinked guiltily and rushed out of the restaurant, blinking back his tears. Die observed him with a sinking heart, a hand on his reddening cheek. Shinya had slapped him… He didn't know why Shinya had gotten mad over such a stupid thing, but maybe he'd gone too far. It was clear it bothered him highly and Die had still nagged him even more as he always did… Die rubbed his cheek, then played absently with his food. Suddenly it looked as appetizing as if it was made of rubber.
***
"Shinya!" Toshiya had been about to go out to find Die and have a chat with him about Kaoru, but Shinya had come pounding on his door and was now hanging after Toshiya's neck, tears spilling down his face.
"Shh, Shinya, it's okay, it's okay, tell me what happened," Toshiya said soothingly, stroking Shinya's back comfortingly. Shinya buried his face in Toshiya's shoulder, refusing to speak, his body shaking with sobs. He finally quieted down and leaned on Toshiya's chest, unwilling to leave the caring embrace.
"It's Die… We can't ever get along. I can't talk two minutes with him without getting mad and I'm so sick of it… I just want to be his friend…"
Toshiya ran his hand in Shinya's soft hair, hiding a smile. "You two have probably the most incompatible characters I ever saw… don't worry that much, Die doesn't mean to make you feel bad, he just can't help himself cause you react so much to anything he says."
"That's what I hate about him. He teases, I react, he teases more, I react more, it never ends and I'm sick of it, I'm sick of loving him and wanting to kill him at the same time! I slapped him Toshiya, I slapped him!!!"
Shinya started crying again… *He slapped him…Shinya…learn to control yourself! I must find a way to calm him down…* Toshiya then had the idea of reaching out for a little plushy panda that was lying on his bed…he always kept his most precious possessions close to him, and that panda, it was precious… He put it into Shinya's hands, who looked at it curiously.
"It's yours," Toshiya said with a smile.
"But…no, you don't have too!" Shinya exclaimed.
"I insist. A friend gave it to me a long time ago. He said it would make me feel better when I was sad. That little panda's name is Dada… He'll always be with you when you feel sad… Now smile?"
Shinya obeyed through his drying tears. "Toshiya… I can't believe this… It must be so precious to you…"
"Shh, don't mention it," Toshiya said.
"Thank you so much," Shinya whispered, hugging Toshiya fiercely. He was so touched by Toshiya's sympathetic action… Toshiya hugged back, with a tender kiss on Shinya's cheek.
"I won't forget that," Shinya said, stepping away, holding Dada lovingly. "Thank you for being my friend, Toshiya."
Toshiya smiled. "The pleasure is mine. Now take a good care of Dada, will you?"
Shinya nodded. "I will."
"And try to make up with Die…"
"Hai," Shinya whispered weakly.
Then he left Toshiya's room with a bittersweet smile, wondering why Toshiya was so nice to him and why Die was so hateful..
*I never found the time to discuss with Die that day. Which means I still don't know whether or not he's going out with Kaoru. I really wonder what Die could have done to make Shinya cry. Shinya never cries. I guess I'll have to tell Die to go easy on him whenI get around to talk to him…Yeah, maybe I should become Shinya's little guardian angel for awhile, it will take my mind off of Kaoru…
Toshiya, feeling strong and mighty
(yeah, right) *
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