**

You never really know how much you really want something until you realize you can’t have it. That realization came pretty quickly to me, and it has hurt like hell ever since. I don’t know why I torture myself like I do, I mean, maybe I think that I have a chance or something, but I know, deep down inside, that it is hopeless. People like him don’t fall in love with people like me.

It isn’t a fairy tale, this life I am living. No, it is as real and painful as it can get. Nope, no princes falling in love with princesses and living happily ever after here, just me and my self pity…besides, that’s just it, isn’t it? The princes fall in love with princesses, not other princes, or any other boys for that matter. It just doesn’t work like that way in real life…in my life, at least.

Blah. You are probably wondering who the hell I am talking about, right? Well, I am in love with none other than the beautiful bassist of our band. My wonderful Toshiya. No, he’s not mine, is he? Ah, a sigh of longing. Perhaps someday? Ha, I seriously doubt that. He could have any woman, or any man if he choose! There is little chance that he would fall in love with me with that wide selection available to him.

I should stop now, no use obsessing over something you can’t have, ne? Well duh! That is only the point I have been trying to get across for, what? The last five minutes? Last five minutes…hmmm…time to go. Great, now I get to go to band practice and watch him flirt with Kyo and the others. Fucking great.

Why me? Why do I put myself through this shit? Huh? Why don’t I at least confess to him my feelings and see if maybe he does feel the same. And even if he doesn’t I will then know, and my dreams and hopes will be completely deflated, which is a heck of a lot better than being slightly puffed with enough hope to hurt. And what if he does return my affections? Well hot damn! Life will be good! And then, of course, I will kick myself and curse myself for putting myself through all this pain in the first place instead of just telling him how I feel right away.

Yeah. I will tell him today. That is what I will do! Then I will finally know if he will be mine, or if I should throw myself off a bridge. Just kidding! I don’t think I could do that. Love or not, I know he would be incredibly sad and hurt if I killed myself, and the last thing I want to do is cause him any pain.

Wait for me, Toshiya! I am coming! And I will finally tell you how I feel. Man…I don’t think I have ever been this scared in my life…help me through this, Kami-sama, please help me out.

**

All but Kyo are already in the practice room when I arrive. I do my best to make it over to my drum set without anybody noticing my arrival. The last thing I need right now is to be teased. I don’t have time for that, I still haven't thought I of what I am going to say to Toshiya.

I was thinking about "Toshiya, I have something to tell you. I have been in love with you as long as I can remember, and I just couldn’t keep it bottled up inside of me anymore." As corny and as generic as it is, that is all I can think of. And then, of course, I would wait for him to either a: tell me he loves me too, or b: laugh his ass off and tell me to take a hike, he isn’t interested in me.

Oh damn…here comes Die with that grin on his face. Where is Kyo? If he was here we could be practicing instead of me being teased. Some times I wonder why me. And then I decide it must be punishment for my thoughts concerning Toshiya. You do know, after all, that some of them aren't always exactly as pure as they should be…but that is an entirely different matter that I am not going to get into now!

"Well good morning Shin-chan, I didn’t even see you come in!" He says is his oh so annoying I’m-gonna-pick-on-you voice. Now don’t get me wrong, Die is pretty cool…sometimes…but all the teasing really gets on my nerves, you know? Especially when I am having a crisis. The last thing I need him to do is tease me about not having a girlfriend.

Well what am I supposed to say? "Well, gee, Die, I don’t have a girlfriend because I am madly in love with Toshiya and was hoping maybe we could get together like you and Kaoru did." And than he would say "Oh how nice Shinya! I wish you the best of luck with Toshiya!" Um, no, I think not.

Actually, I lied. I don’t want to get together in the same fashion that Die and Kaoru did. See, one night they got drunk, fucked, and the next day they were…well, they just were. I was hoping for something a little more romantic for me and Toshiya. Not that fucking him wouldn’t be great but….

I look up when I hear Die calling my name.

"Gee Shinya, you suddenly got bright red. What on earth are you thinking about?" There is that smirk again.

"Nothing." I reply curtly and turn away and begin to warm up. There is a God!! He took the hint and went away! Who would have thought he had it in him? Man, I am going to have to write this down when I get home.

Practice finally began with the appearance of our vocalist, and my eyes naturally drifted to Toshiya as I played. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t really concentrating, I know all the songs so well that I could play them perfectly even if Kyo was screaming directly in my ear and Kaoru and Die were both teasing me…er…well, at least I think I could, I have never really tried it before. But for the sake of the matter, yeah. I could play them perfectly even if Kyo was screaming directly in my ear and Kaoru and Die were both teasing me. The only thing that could mess up my playing was Toshiya. Say, like if he was winking or smiling at me…like he is doing to Kyo now! What the hell? It is only practice guys! You don’t need to do any of that fan service crap now, save it for the concerts!!

Oh yes, I know all about those psycho (Alison: Hee hee, we're not psycho!) fans and their love of seeing us together. I know about those stories too. All the *lovely* yaoi ones (Alison: And lovely they are ^^;). And it isn’t even the fact that they put us together rather than putting us with girls that makes me angry. No, quite the opposite. It is the pairings that get me. Yeah. There are way to many stories out there that pair up Kaoru and Toshiya (Alison: No!! No there aren’t!! Don’t listen to me!! Write more KaoruxToshiya!! ^^;) and me and Die. Me and Die??!! Now how the hell did they come up with that?! And I am sure that that Fool’s Mate photo shoot didn’t help the situation any.

But then…there are those wonderful stories that pair up me with Toshiya. That is the way it is supposed to be, ne? Me and Toshiya, Toshiya and I. Ah, I hate to admit it, but when I find them, I read them. I guess it will probably be the closest thing I get to the real thing. Maa, those fans have some very active imaginations!

Uh oh, I guess I drifted off too much, I am still playing and everyone else has already stopped and are now staring at me. I can feel my face heating up. And Toshiya, what is that is his eyes? He looks at me with…fondness in his eyes?

"Shin-chan is deep in thought, ne?" Toshiya purred, "Not what on earth are you thinking about? A girl?"

The rest of them are snickering. No, Toshiya, I wasn't thinking about a girl, I was thinking about you. Do you ever think about me? Huh Toshiya? Of course I don’t say that out loud, but I think it.

"Or perhaps…"Toshiya went on, his beautiful eyes lighting up, "You were thinking about a guy! Perhaps one of us?"

WHAT??? My jaw dropped in shock at his words. Could he…know? He couldn't! I was so careful to keep it hidden. Or perhaps…perhaps he is referring to one of the other guys. I blushed again, causing the other to laugh. And I did the only thing I could do. I shook my head and snapped "No!"

Toshiya…was that disappoint in his eyes, now? No, it couldn't be. I am just imagining things, have to be! Toshiya has no reason to be disappointed at my answer.

Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Ok you guys, practice is over."

Die instantly turned his attention on Kaoru. "Oh good." He said and eyed Kaoru with a knowing look. I couldn't help but roll my eyes also. Everyone in the room knew that when practice was over, Die got laid. But did they have to be so…so…oh I don't know. Open about it? Obviously they weren't thinking about *some* people who wouldn't be getting any tonight; hack, cough, me. But…oh, yeah, right, it shouldn't matter because I said that I wasn't in love with any of my band mates. And that, my friends, is absolutely untrue, as you know.

I said my good byes to Kyo, Kaoru, and Die as they left. I wonder where Toshiya has gotten off too, he had suddenly disappeared from the practice room, but his base is still here. I try not to think about him too much as I make my way down the empty corridor to the break room. I need something to drink. I poured myself a cup of water from the water tank and am just about to take a sip when someone's arms wrap around me from behind. I cried out in surprise and dropped my cup, the water splashing everywhere. I whirled around to find my face inches away from…Toshiya!!??

My heart beat quickened at the close proximity. Toshiya giggled, his arms still around my waist. "Look at the mess you made Shin-chan!"

I pulled away and busied myself with picking up the spilt water. I really wish he wouldn't call me Shin-chan, it is just another spike driven into my heart. But of course I don't tell him to stop, obviously he must like calling me that, and who am I to tell him to stop doing something he likes?

I can feel him watching me, as he leans against the wall, and I can't help but blush. I wonder what he is still doing here. I ask him.

"Because of you. I have something to tell you."

Me?? "O…oh" I mange to sputter out. "And what would that be."

Toshiya walked over to me, his face once again inches from mine, beautiful eyes narrowed seductively. "Shin-ya-chan…do you have a crush on me?"

For the second time that day, my jaw dropped, and my eyes opened wide in shock. He did know! I could feel myself start to shake, and if Toshiya noticed, he just ignored it and went one speaking, wrapping his arms around me again, bringing our faces even closer together. I couldn't help it I, I looked away.

"I was kind of hoping you do…because…I really like you…" Toshiya's voice dropped to a whisper.

I jerked my head up to stare at him. He wasn't grinning anymore, and his eyes held a serious I had never seen before. I still doubted him, though. When he wanted to, Toshiya could be as bad as Die and Kaoru when it came to teasing me. So naturally, what he was saying right now could all just be a joke. I was, praying, however, that it wasn't.

"Are…are you…is this a joke?" I asked, my voice shaking. Toshiya smiled. Smiled, not smirked, or grinned that sly grin of him, smiled, a kind, loving smile. He shook his head no.

"No, it isn't a joke. I really like you…no…I love you. I have been in love with you since the day I joined Dir en grey. Shinya…Do you…feel the same?"

I could only watch, paralyzed with shock and happiness, as Toshiya slowly brought his lips close to mine. I waited. He hesitating and beginning to pull away, confused because I wasn't moving. He probably thought that he was wrong about my feelings for him. He wasn't! And to prove my point, I grabbed his head and pulled his lips roughly to mine. I think that should be answer enough about how I feel about him!

It was his turn to be shocked! And shocked he was at my action. I kept my eyes open as I kissed him, so I could see his eyes open wide in shock at my action. He didn't stay that way for long. Soon he deepened the kiss, his eyes fluttering shut, mine following suit.

We both smiled when we pulled apart, sucking in air. I blushed and looked away again. "You know," I mumbled shyly, "Today I was supposed to tell you how I felt."

"I guess I beat you too it." He mumbled back as he leaned in to kiss me again. This time his kisses dropped from my lips to my neck. A smile spread across my face, this was too good to be true.

"I have got to be dreaming," I heard myself murmur.

"No, your not." Toshiya laughed quietly. His laugh was so beautiful, it was music to my ears.

Toshiya gave a yank on my hand and jerked his head in the direction of the door. "Come on, let's get out of here. We can go out to eat and then go back to your place…since I live with Kyo and we won't want to be disturbed…now do we?"

It took a minute before the implications of Toshiya's words managed to seep into my still amazement filled brain. I blinked a few times before a smile spread across my face, and I threw my arms around Toshiya's neck. "No, we won't." I whispered.

Still smiling Toshiya and I walked hand and hand out of the studio to my car. Thankfully Toshiya had gotten a ride with Kyo, so his car wasn't here and we could drive together. I glanced over at Toshiya when we reached a stoplight. He was humming something and staring out the window, but I caught his refection, he was smiling as much as me. Kawii!

I still am in shock. Toshiya loves me too! All my dreams…all my hopes…they have finally all come true. Hmm…I guess I can kick and curse myself now for putting myself through all the pain that I did. But…I pouted, he could have told me sooner too. Ah! Don't think that kind of stuff! You are supposed to be happy now! You will finally be with the person you love. It is funny, though, that we should both pick the same day to confess our love for the other.

I laugh softly, and Toshiya turns to face me, a curious look on his face. "What?"

"Oh nothing," I reply, smiling at him. He smiles back. "Hey, Totchi? How did you know that I had a crush one you?"

Toshiya grinned. "Well, I kind of just made a wild guess. But, I kind of had a hunch that you did, because you were always looking at me, and glaring at Kyo when he would touch me and we would flirt. But other than those two tiny hints…" He shrugged. "I guess kind of prayed and guessed!"

I blushed when I found out he had seen me watching him. I didn't think I was that obvious! Toshiya laughed. "I'm not blind Shin-chan! Besides, I was watching you as much as you were

watching me, so it wasn't hard to miss your looks and glares!"

Toshiya…was watching me too? When…Oh my! Now that he mentioned it…he did look at me a lot! How could I have been so blind?! I felt like hitting myself, but refrained from doing so, should I lose control of the car and kill us both!

We lapsed back into silence, but it was the comfortable kind of silence. I let my mind wonder, and I couldn't help but think of the night a head. I would finally have my Toshiya-chan…or would he being having me?! I giggled at the thought, and Toshiya flicked his gaze over to me for a second before looking back at the window smiling.

I am a virgin, you know. The minute I laid eyes on Toshiya, I vowed I would save myself for him, even if that meant that I would never be with anyone else in my life. I only loved Toshiya, and I wanted my first time to be with him. I guess all this waiting has paid off, because tonight, I am going to show him just how much I love him, and how I have waited.

**

Done!!! Please tell me what you thought, even if you did think it was stupid!! ^^;

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